if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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