I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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