theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
