Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
