I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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