i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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