yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Someone came in the potted fern
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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