the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
