if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
