I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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