how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
