so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
