The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
