I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
