I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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