i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
