Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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