i was rollin on her like bob the builder
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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