I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
