my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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