Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
