My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
