i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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