im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
