Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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