final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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