I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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