we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
