im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
