just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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