And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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