Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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