I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
