I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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