There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
