Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
