Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
