he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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