My underwear smells like fireworks.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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