Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
