worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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