She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
