are you so shy because you have an std?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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