OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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