Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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