I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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