I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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