Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
