Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
