i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
