I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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